The Emotional Roller Coaster

The journey of infertility is much like a ride on an emotional roller coaster full of twists, turns, loops, and sudden drops. Only with a real roller coaster, you know that the ride will end, and that cannot be said for all that deal with infertility. Our ride may last for years, and for many with no end in sight.

The ride actually starts before infertility is diagnosed or even suspected. It starts when the choice is made to try to conceive. The journey of preconception has it's own twists and turns, but every couple that enters the ride will not have the same stops, drops, and loops. Yes, for about 10 to 20 percent of American couples, the ride picks up speed and may feel completely out of control, when the doctor says the dreaded words "there seems to be a fertility problem."

You don't really remember much for the next few hours after hearing those words; this is the first sudden, and unexpected, drop that the roller coaster takes you on. Your heart stops and you feel totally numb. It does not matter 'who' has the fertility problem, all you recall is that there is one.

This drop is the emotional drop of disbelief that every couple will deal with in their own way. Many couples may deny the diagnosis and continue trying to conceive on their own, but others will quickly pass through the disbelief and march straight to the 'action' phase of this emotion packed ride. These couples have usually suspected, and therefore already dealt with, denial of a possible infertility diagnosis.

With the diagnosis should come a few warning signs that the couple must read and understand. The roller coaster has picked up so much speed though, that it is the rare couple that sees the signs. "Warning – Depression Ahead!" shouts the sign that is almost too small to see as another corner whips the coaster around. "Blame Game Starts Here!" another sign states as our stomachs are left behind from the ferocious drop.

More signs loom ahead, the printing on them almost too small to read…"Stress Hits Hard – Late Ovulation" "Negative Pregnancy Test – Depression Strikes" "Doctor's Appointment – Miss Work, Again". Yes, the signs are coming faster and faster, and choices must be made on which turn, twist, loop, or drop to take next. While riding the roller coaster the couple must be able to communicate with each other, with their doctor, and many times with their family, friends, and co-workers.

Effective communication between the couple happens when the diagnosis has been accepted. It is impossible to communicate if one or the other person is still in denial of the diagnosis. However, once the diagnosis has been accepted the danger of depression, the blame game, and anger enter the picture and these can make communication almost impossible as well.

Taking fertility drugs can exacerbate the emotions that are felt by women. This is because of the way that the medications affect the hormone levels, causing mood swings and depression, among other side effects. Seeing a negative pregnancy test after a cycle on clomid may cause anger, depression, and the woman may even blame herself for not conceiving. The man, if he is unable to express his own feelings, may appear to the woman as uncaring, or disinterested in her feelings, or in their quest to conceive.

One woman that I know had her husband taking her Basal Body Temperature each morning and she would later call him at work to find out what time he had taken it so she could record it on her fertility chart. She became very concerned when her charts did not show ovulation, and her temps were 'all over the place'. As she discussed her fears with her husband, he asked why knowing what time the temperature had been taken was so important. As she explained to him how charting worked and what it told her, he admitted to 'making up' the time that he had taken her temperature. He just thought she was 'curious'. Because of the miscommunication, they effectively 'lost' a cycle and if it had continued, would have been seeing a doctor for unnecessary testing.

So, while this woman was reading all the signs as the roller coaster passed them, her husband didn't even realize they were there. They are learning to communicate with each other, as all couples should. Hopefully they will be able to avoid the blame game and the anger, as well as the depression that can sneak up and strike so hard.

You are on the emotional roller coaster, but you do have the power to control part of the ride. You even have the power to get off the ride, but that is another article. You can control the choices you make, you can recognize the warning signs of severe depression, and you can communicate with your partner. Although you cannot 'stop' being infertile, you can make the best choices possible and know that you decide which turn, twist, loop, or drop to take next on this emotional journey.

Depression Warning Signs from the National Institute of Mental Health

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Author: Debbi Secaur
Published on: April 20, 2003 at Suite101.com

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